Everyone has their own story, but overthinking is a common story that many people share, however, not many realize it or are open to talk about it. I wanted to open up about it on my blog for two reasons. One, blogging is my go-to for venting and articulating what I’m truly feeling. It allows me to make sense of my thoughts as I write. Two, I know I’m not the only person struggling with this, like I said before, many people do and I hope to inspire others to identify it and try to work on it as I am trying right now.
I don’t know when it began or even how I became like this, I just know that I do it… a lot. I’ve seen memes about overthinking, having me cracking a laugh at the idea without realizing how serious it actually is. Friends had often times told me that I should stop overthinking but I took it so lightly, until it started affecting my relationships, my mental well-being and my actions. It has finally started driving me up the walls, giving me anxiety and breaking me down to pieces. It’s made me go to bed some nights in tears and waking up the next day like everything’s fine while I feel like I’m slowly dying on the inside. It’s dangerous.
This is how it usually happens. Something will occur or someone will say something and I’ll then slowly zone out. During that time, I’ll start reflecting on whatever events had just taken place and question everything. This normally continues for days. The thing is, I want to know the reason for any and everything which causes me to formulate theories in my head and place it under a “A possibility” category. Afterwards, I’ll start talking about the issue making whoever it’s with know what’s going on in my head, only to realize that sometimes things aren’t as serious as I make them to be and that’s when it gets embarrassing. It’s so hard to break away from such thoughts when they seem so rational and legitimate in the mind. It’s hard to say “Brittney, stop, you’re just overthinking” before creating an issue of it. Luckily it has worn me down tremendously of recent to the point where I just say “F*#% it” and try to forget about it. Funny huh? lol not one bit.
Another thing in connection to this is my ability to cave within two seconds of pressure. It rarely happens but when I do, it’s really something to pay close attention to. Honestly, during finals week I’ll ride the wave of pressure to success but other little times I will give in. I’ve always envisioned myself becoming this strong, independent woman who’s confident in who she is and apologizes not one bit for that. The woman who takes the world by a storm and conquers every obstacle that goes her way without altering her morals and values to become successful. I admire people like that really. I also admire people who are sensitive towards others while rocking their own world lol. #Goals right?
I just want to shine inside and out, however, my ultimate fear at this point is driving myself into depression and pushing the ones I care about away. I’m yet to fully explain this to my friends and family but they’ll know eventually. I’ve vowed to myself before that I’ll always acknowledge and admit my flaws and try to actively work on them. It’s a process that will take time. I might need help with guiding and controlling my thoughts but I’m not short of loving and supportive individuals in my life, something I’m absolutely grateful for.
I went to bed last night saying to myself repeatedly, “One day at a time“, as I’m saying it right now. It’s calming really, it makes me feel like everything will be fine.
From a page in my diary,